Learning to Live without answers

Throwback to my childhood room. I was probably in 4th grade in this photo. Surrounded by Hello Kitty wallpaper, photo albums, books, and my ‘A’ journal, I was already dreaming big. Behind that giant monitor, I always felt like I was running the show, CEO of my own life before I even knew what that meant.

There are moments in life when someone’s words stick with you, not because they were profound, but because they were unnecessary.

A long time ago, I learned that this man, once told another woman to tell me: “you should really tell April as a friend that she shouldn’t tell people she wants to be an actress in a professional setting.”

What makes it even more strange is that he didn’t even tell me directly.

Here’s the part that frustrates me the most: I don’t even remember when, where, or how this supposed moment happened.

I’ve worked with clients, colleagues, partners, and even with strangers and I’ve always been professional. Sure, I’ve shared my passion for acting, it’s a part of who I am. But was it during a formal meeting? Over coffee after hours? Passing conversation at an event? I honestly have no clue. I don’t see myself randomly telling that I am pursuing acting without it being in the topic of conversation.

And that not knowing eats at you.

But here’s the thing my mom once told me, something I still carry with me. When I was younger and upset over a breakup, demanding to know “why,” she said: We may never get answers from people. We may never know why they did what they did or said what they said. This wont be the first time I wont get an explanation and if you live waiting on those answers, you’ll stay stuck. Sometimes we have to accept that closure doesn’t come from others, it comes from within.

So maybe I’ll never know why this coworker thought my dream was something to hide.

But I do know this: it says more about the limits of his imagination than mine.

Because here’s what I’ve learned, there will always be people who aren’t big dreamers, who want to keep you small, or who can’t see themselves daring greatly, so they don’t want you to either.

But that’s not my story. And it doesn’t have to be yours either.

I’m choosing to keep showing up. To live unapologetically. To stop waiting for permission to dream out loud.

Because the truth is, no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are, they’re too busy worrying about themselves.

So why waste time dimming your light?

I may never have the answer to “why.” But I do have the answer to “what’s next.”

And that’s to keep moving forward, boldly and unapologetically.